Guilt
by tmntfan4eva
Summary: The night after Slash attacks is hard. Sleep is impossible and all Raph can do is torture himself over what happened. It's all his fault. Everything. If only he had been better. If only he had known Spike better. If only there was a cure to this guilt.


**A short little one-shot about the aftermath of Slash and Destroy. It was inspired by a picture on tumblr by omgwtfneofox. I just couldn't not do it. Enjoy!**

The night after Slash attacks is hard. Raph tosses and turns violently in his bed. He races through darkness in his head. His heart pounds mercilessly and his breathing is erratic, full of terror. Slash's laughter echoes in his head as his eyes sit ominously above Raph, watching every moment. As Raph continues to run, hoping to escape, he gets flashes – real and imagined. He sees Donnie's arm twisted beyond the breaking point, Mikey slammed against the concrete, and their defeated, empty gaze on him – begging him to protect him against this terror.

But here there's nothing he can do. He tries to scream, tries to fight, but he is paralyzed. He watches them fall, watches as Slash stands over their limp bodies to deal the finishing blow. _It's over Raph. Now we can be together forever – just you, _Slash drives Donnie through. _And me._ He bashes Mikey's skull in. "No!" Raph screams. Then it's over.

Raph jolts up from his bed, gasping for air. His is coated in sweat and his body trembles slightly. His heart pounds in his ears, just like in the dream. He swivels his head around in the darkness to make sure he's really back. He sees the glowing jack-o-lantern and the bright red stop sign and a wave of relief washes over him. Still, he is far from calm.

He wipes his hand over his face and freezes. He pulls his hand back and stares at his fingertips. Were those…tears? Raph grimaces. He hasn't cried since he was six and sure that he had killed Mikey by taking him to a dangerous part of the sewers. Raph shakes his head and throws off the covers. It's an inferno in here. Raph swings his legs around and slides out of the bed. There's no way he can go back to sleep after that. Not right away at least. So he pads across his room and slips into the hall, heading to check on each and every one of his brothers.

One step out of the door and he nearly runs into one of them. Raph stumbles back and instinctively scowls. As he brings his gaze up however his expression quickly changes. "Mikey…" He says softly, almost so much so that he isn't sure Mikey heard.

Mikey's head is low as he peers meekly up at his older brother. "Hey, Raph." He whispers. He twiddles his fingers and bites his lip. "I…wanna say something…"

Raph eyes his expectantly. "Yeah?" He holds his breath. He doesn't like the way his brother looks. He is too subdued and uncertain. This is not Mikey. This is not his baby brother. This is a terrible reality that is all his fault, all because he couldn't protect him or any of them.

Mikey rolls his foot and looks anywhere but at Raph. "You…you won't make fun of me?"

Raph's eyes widen. "What?" He gapes. "No! Of course not!"

Mikey manages a tiny, hopeful smile. "I…had a nightmare." His lip trembles slightly. "It's stupid. I shouldn't be scared. I'm a ninja. But-" His throat tightens and tears rise in his eyes. "I'm _terrified._ He came here and he got me and you and everyone." He hides his face in his hands.

Raph's face creases and his brows knit together. His mouth twists in powerful regret and his eyes shine with guilt and pity. "Mikey," He struggles to keep his tone even. He only manages it because he knows he must be strong when his baby brother is falling apart at the seams. "It's alright." He steps closer and wraps his arms around Mikey. "He's not gonna get you or any of us. I won't let him."

Mikey presses against Raph and holds on tight, verging on desperate. "I know." His voice is tight. "And thank you."

Raph grimaces. _Thank you?_ Mikey never says thank you. God, this has really gotten to him. "You don't have to thank me, Mikey. I have to protect you. There's no way I couldn't. Any time you asked me to, even when you don't, I'd be there in a heartbeat."

Mikey smiles through his tears. "Really?" He leans up off of Raph and directs his smile at him. It cracks at the edges, but there is a faint light in his baby blue eyes. "Then…" He bites his lip. "Can I stay with you tonight?" He holds his breath. "_Please_?"

Raph feels his heart crack and he knows there is only one answer. "Yeah. Course you can." It'll be just like those days gone by when they were kids. Raph was the protector, the big brother who chased away the monsters of sleep. He's kind of missed that body sleeping next to him too. He just wishes this isn't what it took to get here.

Mikey's face lights up and Raph knows this is more than worth it. "You're the best Raph." He says tenderly, hugging his brother again before pulling back. His smile shows the confidence returning to him with Raph's permission.

Raph smiles back, but there is an edge to it. "No I'm not…" He says soft enough to conceal from Mikey. He averts his eyes to hide the pain lurking there, hide the broken parts he can't let his brother see. He has to be strong.

Mikey stares curiously at Raph. He tries to see his eyes and uncover the truth, but before he can Raph is talking again and has shifted his disposition. Although this shift is no less disconcerting.

"But first," Raph perks, or at least he attempts to. He turns his gaze down the hall, toward Donnie's room. His nightmare pulses painfully just below the surface. "I want to check on Donnie." He can't go back to bed until he at least checks on him. Leo is the least affected of them all, so Raph can let checking on him go.

Mikey smiles sadly. "Ok." He walks close to Raph as they move down the hall. He peeks over every other second at his brother's expression and he can't keep the words inside anymore. "It's not your fault you know."

Raph starts. He freezes, his eyes growing wide. He can not cover up his surprise. "What?" He chokes out. He tenses, his fists clenching. He doesn't dare look over at his little brother.

Mikey moves around to Raph's front. He looks him dead in the eye. "What happened, there's nothing you could have done. So don't blame yourself." Mikey practically begs.

Raph's fists tremble. He gnashes his teeth terribly. "But it is." He grinds out. "I took the mutagen, I let Spike get in it, and then I trusted him, and I-I couldn't protect you. Any of you." He swallows hard, forcing back the tears.

Mikey smiles sadly. "You did your best, bro. And you saved our lives. Without you…" Mikey lets the horrible possibility hang in the air. He shakes his head. "So you can't let this eat you alive." He lays his hand on Raph's arm. "Donnie would say the same."

Raph hangs his head. He closes his eyes and a tight grimace stretches across his face. "I'm _so_ sorry." His voice cracks.

Mikey steps forward and hugs Raph loosely. "It's alright."

Raph latches onto Mikey for only a brief moment, but that one moment does him all the good in the world. He holds on tight, a sense of peace settling over him as he feels how real and sturdy his brother is. It's an anchor in this chaos.

In the next instant they separate and they quietly enter Donnie's room. All sorts of objects litter the floor and make it hard to go past the entrance. He doesn't need to anyway, he just wants see that he is alright. Yet somehow Raph ends up walking all the way to the edge of the bed and Mikey follows him.

Raph stares intently at Donnie. His brother appears at peace, at least at first. While his body is still, however, his expression is tense and twisted in pain. Raph can't be sure if it's because of his arm or is he too is suffering from nightmares. In the end he doesn't care about the truth. Both for Donnie's sake and admittedly a little bit for his own selfishness he crawls up on the bed.

Raph moves higher up on the bed, his head just above Donnie's when he settles. He angles himself so the there is a space left between him and Donnie before he does anything. Then, so close, he can finally hear signs of Donnie's struggle. Tiny whimpers escape his brother.

Raph grimaces and guilt tears at him again. _It's not your fault you know._ Raph sighs. No, but it is his job to fix things. He slides his arm beneath Donnie and wraps it around him, careful of his brother's injured arm. He reaches up with the other and gently pets Donnie's head as he hums an age old lullaby.

Donnie whines louder at first, but as the tune drifts to him he settles. He turns and nestles his head into the crook of Raph's neck. He also slides his arm up around the top of Raph's shell. Then the only sound that can be heard is his soft breathing.

Mikey stands and looks on. His shoulders slump slightly, but he waits patiently for permission. He isn't sure if Raph intends to stay here like this all night or if he is supposed to wait and then they'll go back to Raph's room.

Raph looks up in the next moment and beckons him.

Mikey smiles and immediately crawls up among the tangle of limbs. He settles in the space Raph left between him and Donnie. He rests his head against Raph's plastron and wraps his arm around his brother's middle, holding on tight.

Raph smiles softly down at Mikey. He wriggles a little to get more comfortable in the mass and finally relaxes and lets his chin rest on the top of Mikey's head. He snakes his arm over Mikey and holds both his brothers close.

"Raphie…" Mikey murmurs into Raph's plastron, somewhere between awareness and sleep.

Raph glances down at Mikey. "Yeah?" He has to wonder if his brother is still lucid. His breathing is softer against him now.

"I'm sorry…for your comics."

Raph sighs softly. "Oh, Mikey." He rubs Mikey's head gently. "I don't care about them. Nothing's as important as you all." He moves his arm back around them both and looks down at each of his brothers. As he does he can't help but feel relief and happiness wash over him. A soft smile curves his lips. They're here, both of them. They're hurt, but he still has them. And that's what really matters. Everything is alright in this moment. The guilt fades away and they all sleep through the night in each other's protective hold.

**So what did you think? It's not very long, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Please review!**


End file.
